Monday, December 10, 2007

Journal entries...(warning: longest post EVER)

This is an extremely long post of journal entries if you're extremely bored (like Hilary at work-lol!) Kudos to anyone who actually makes it through the entire thing.

November 24, 2007
- Sleeping all day again. Can’t even stay awake to wrap Christmas presents…one of my favorite chores! My sister and mom mock me telling me I’m pregnant as I continue trying to sleep on the parents’ couch. On the way home tonight (as I’m sleeping in the passenger seat) we have a flat tire. We just so happen to stop to change it next to the Hernando Wal Mart. Andrew says he’s going in to wash his hands after the tire change, so I ask if he’ll pick me up a pregnancy test just so I can put my mind at ease. He obliges and comes back with 2--just in case. Great. So the next time we have this pregnancy scare, I’ll have one on hand. When we get home, I sit my stuff down in the kitchen and head straight to the bathroom, my mind feeling relief already. Before I can even pull the stick out of the toilet, it has a large plus sign on the reading. My mouth fell open. Shock set in. I capped it and put it on the counter, knowing that during the 2 minute wait period it would go away. I walked out to the living room ever so slowly. I said, “Andrew, I need you to come in here and look at this result with me in just a minute.” “Okay,” he says.” “Cause I think it says it’s positive,” I add. His eyebrows raised and he headed for the bathroom. I grabbed his arm. “Wait, it still has 15 seconds left. I wanna make sure we get the right result.” He continues straining his neck to see the test while I hold his arm in the hallway.

We look. Positive. I immediately tell him that I might have peed on it 1 second to long, knowing that would probably make all the difference in the world. There ARE such things as false positives. He looked so happy. “I’m gonna be a daddy!” I cried. I asked him if he was mad at me. For what? I don’t know. For something we wanted to prevent, but obviously the big man upstairs didn’t. I cried some more.

Then I got scared. For the past 2 weeks I was sick and took Augmentin and Toradol and Ibuprofen without even taking a pregnancy test. I had no idea my extreme lower back pain the week before was due to a human the size the period at the end of this sentence. What had I done? What if I had hurt our baby? I hadn’t been taking a prenatal vitamin. What was I thinking? The spinal cord was already formed and closed. What if I caused my child to have spina bifida? I ran to the medicine cabinet and tried to swallow down a vitamin, only to choke and spit it back up. I was a mess.

Andrew was a saint. He lay on the couch with me and talked to our little bean. He patted my stomach and kissed baby dot several times. He told me I was going to be a great mommy. I could barely get out a half way smile. I was so worried. What about our finances? What about my job? I wanted to stay home with my baby for a while, but there was no way we could afford it. What about my two door car? How am I going to be 39 weeks pregnant driving that little thing? I mean the worries poured into my heart. Satan was trying to eat away whatever ounce of joy I had.

The rest of that night was a blur. We fell asleep in bed with Andrew’s hand on my tummy all night.

November 25, 2007- The next morning we woke up and it hit me all over again that I was pregnant. Andrew smiled when he woke up and kissed my tummy again. I wanted a piece of his happiness. We got up and got ready for church. On the way we talked about how we would tell them. Andrew wanted a picture of their faces the moment we told them. He wanted to tell my dad. He wanted to give them the pregnancy tests wrapped up. I just wanted to scream it out. I wanted to announce our pregnancy to everyone at church so that I could receive some comfort and reassurance, but I we wanted to wait. My mom was at home sick that morning so Dad, Andrew, Kacie, and I took food back to the house. We all sat at the table to eat. Conversation was flowly smoothly and Andrew was as cool as a cucumber. I, on the other hand, was ready to vomit my French fries at any moment due to my nerves. My mom finished a sentence. There was a quick pause. I decided to take the opportunity. All in one breath, I said, “Well, I guess I might as well go ahead and tell you guys. I’m pregnant.” Moment of silence. I stared at my plate. “Well, that was subtle,” Andrew said. My mom, dad, sister, and Andrew were crying. I, on the other hand, was not. Everyone was overjoyed except me. I mean, I was excited, but my worry overpowered my excitement. Anyway, that pretty much ended everyone’s appetite and I felt stares at my stomach when I got up to throw my plate away.

My now known pregnancy exhaustion kicked in about 2pm and I slept on the couch until 9pm. I got up pretty quickly at one point to use the bathroom and got really nauseated. Not fun, but I managed to avoid throwing up. We headed home where I slept a lot more.

November 26, 2007- I got up at 6am with an aching in my heart to just let it all out to God. I cried. A lot. I told him my fears. I acted like a big baby, but I was alone in the house and he knew my heart already, so I just let it all go. I felt a tug to read my Bible. So I picked it up and started reading verses on anxiety and worry and plans by the Lord. Then I got to this verse and it hit hard: Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Why did I not feel like it was a reward? Because I was letting Satan steal my joy. I decided I was going to change that. The Lord had REWARDED us with something miraculous, and I wanted to rejoice in that. I called my pregnant friend Lori to share the news with her and talk with her about my concerns. She listened and made me feel a lot better. Sleep time came around 4pm and I slept again until 6am the next day.

November 30, 2007- Oh, baby. Complaints first. It’s like I’m eating for 5. I am not kidding when I say I am HUNGRY at least every 2 hours. Between the hours of 7pm-12am I am starving every 30 minutes. Literally cramping stomach I’m so hungry. Growling ferociously. It’s horrible! I’ve never been hungry like this in my life. It’s the closet to starving I’ve ever felt if I go 4 awake hours without calorie rich food. I need to carry a big plastic thermos as my lunch box because I take in so much food…and leave with empty containers! Two mornings ago when I got home from work, I was so hungry I ate two deer filets and creamed potatoes. Yes, that hungry. I realize that a) I need to consume only 300 extra calories a day b) this baby is the size of a dot and c)I need to eat healthy snacks, BUT…when I get that hungry (and it hits SO suddenly) I get extremely nauseated, and the only way to feel better and not so shaky/nauseous is to eat! And I’m not talking about an apple slice or a saltine cracker. I think a man somewhere made up this 300 calorie rule. If it keeps me from puking, I’m going to eat for now. The good news: no vomiting yet (knock on wood, thank you God!).

Another thing is this baby is sucking away all of my hydration! I’ve been drinking more water in a 24 hour period than I EVER have and my lips flake, crack, and bleed all the time. I’ve never had this problem before! My poor facial skin is dry as well, and I’ve always been a Clinique Type 3 Oily Skin girl. I think I should get daily infusions of normal saline at work to keep from gushing blood out of my mouth.

Andrew has been SO helpful the past few days. On Monday night before heading to work I had had 1 ½ hours of sleep. I was hormonal, tired, nervous, late for work, and hungry/nauseated. He just sat and listen to me cry for no reason. As in, I was almost to work and was giving him the grocery list—crying. I felt so stupid, but I couldn’t help it! Then he came home that night and cooked catfish on the grill and deer steaks with mashed potatoes and the next night he made spaghetti with mushrooms. How sweet was that?

December 3, 2007- I have found a new BFF. Move over Andrew. His name is Tums. We now dine at every meal together. He has effects on me like none other. I picked him up at Sam’s in the industrial sized bottle. Whoever made this product is a LIFESAVER. I no longer have to taste my food 15 times 4 hours after I’ve eaten.

December 6, 2007- Well yesterday was the big appointment that turned out to be not so big. They did a urinalysis and didn’t give me results, drew my blood for STDs (waste of money), and shoved a metal speculum in me with no warning whatsoever. My OB is nice (I guess), but she doesn’t have the excellent bedside manner I was hoping for. My next appointment is scheduled for January 7th at 1:00pm with her again. My only saving grace is that after the 20 week mark, you see different doctors. And whomever is on call is the one who delivers the baby. She was just…rough. If I could pick her again, would I? Nope. I was mostly disappointed yesterday that I was told I was 8 weeks along and was to get no ultrasound. Stupid me didn’t think to ask when they normally do it. I wanted one so badly just to see the baby’s heartbeat chugging along. To see some physical evidence that I’m pregnant. I thought maybe I could get one at work, but Andrew wants to be there for the first time. I understand he wants to experience it as well, but 1) he’s not going to come up there at 4am and 2) it should give HIM peace of mind to know that the baby’s doing well even if he doesn’t witness it. Anyway, I might still change OBs.

The best thing that happened yesterday is that she gave us a due date for July 18, 2008. Granted that will probably change a little when the u/s takes place, but at least we have something official now. The parents were excited to hear it.

I actually got an IV at work on Monday night because I was so dehydrated. Everyone finally put together that I was pregnant. There was no reason to hide it. They all knew! So I have to hurry and tell all the grandparents before someone else tells them! Yikes!


Kelly said...

Oh my goodness...congratulations!!!! I hope you know that you're not alone at all as far as being scared. And it's completely OK to be happy one minute and petrified the next. That's the beauty of being pregnant for 40 gets you used to the idea. :) After several detours in "our plan," I wanted a baby so bad and was STILL really scared when I found out I was pregnant.

Just take it one day at a time. (Sorry for the unsolicited advice from a kind-of complete stranger.)

Isn't the fatigue insane? I had never been that tired in my entire life.


Wade said...

Hey A,

I'll say 'Congrats!' just so that it can be said that I said it - but I understand if you don't get the "warm & fuzzies" just because other people are excited for you.

Kelly got sick really bad during our first year of marriage and we got freaked too! So don't beat yourself up about not being overwhelmed with joy, elation and all that stuff. It's a nerve racking experience even when it's a planned pregnancy.

Take care, get some rest and look at it this way . . . at least now you've got plenty of blog fodder!

Kelly and I will add you guys to our prayer list!


Andrew & Audra said...

Thanks for your comments. I definitely didn't get the warm and fuzzies at first...but they're here now! However, that doesn't mean I'm not still nervous! lol. I seriously appreciate your prayers. That was the whole point of posting our announcement!
I read yours and Wade's blogs so often that I don't feel like you are strangers at all! I'm open to advice from other moms! Fatigue doesn't quite do the feeling justice.Body draining exhaustion is probably more like it. I fell asleep TWICE at work tonight. Yikes! Bring on the advice!

Shannon said...

It seems that we always make these comments family I'll add one! Congratulations! I'll just ditto everything my sister and Wade said.

I was working day shifts (totally different ball game than night shifts) the first time around, and would pass out immediately after dinner on the couch and not move until I made it to the real bed barely awake to remember!! It gets better, promise!

Wade said...

Still out there? Blog about this!

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