Audra Laney is...

I started thinking, "what if people put the truth on facebook about themselves?" So many times it's easy to paint a "perfect life" picture of ourselves to others because, naturally, that's what we want people to see. I find that I realize just how much I need a Savior when I concentrate on the areas in life I need to work in. That brings me to this:

What if even the bad things in our lives were broadcasted on facebook? The things that aren't so pretty, but also are true...What might our statuses say?

Audra is...

greedy
a gossiper
unable to hold her tongue
hot tempered at times
sometimes ungrateful
selfish
proud
unkind at times
a name-caller
judgmental
untrusting
unworthy

But you know what?

Audra Laney is....

saved in spite of the bad things she is.
saved by a merciful, wonderful Savior.
washed clean daily.
perfect in the sight of God, thanks to a friend who is perfection in and of itself.
thankful to "I Am."

"Your name is Jesus. You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend. You're what I hold on to. I know that You brought me through. All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew that I'd need a Savior."

Back to Life...

I've gotten so caught up lately in so many random things (2 television shows-Heroes & House, sewing, cleaning, cooking, giving flu shots, and....uh, facebook) that I've slacked on my blog. Not that it's upset you any, but I'm feelin' out of the groove. So what's goin' on around here?

Well, I'm one of those people who has no problem putting a TON of stuff on her life's plate. Recently I volunteered to help coordinate all the children's activities at church; our first event is Trunk or Treat on October 28th. Naturally, I want it to be the best ever so I'm putting lots of thought into that. That's no sweat off my back though cause I looooove planning an event. I'm doing couponing not only for our family now, but also for the food pantry at church. That means large stacks of coupons in my house. There is talk of starting up a new Sunday morning class I'm really excited about and possibly getting together with local moms and kiddos. Wow! A full plate at once! Oh and I'm still into this sewing thing. I've saved my flu shot money to hopefully purchase my machine next week! Woo hoo! So far I've only sewn burp cloths and 3 pair of pants. I'm nowhere near Hilary or Daphne yet!


(Sorry it's crooked)



Gonna get the shirt monogrammed. No, I didn't make the shirt. Wal Mart did.

Andrew is engrossed in his new job (which he LOVES) and Mafia Wars. Yes, Mafia Wars. He's working the sound room at church and still fixes random computers on the side. Somehow his paragraph is much shorter than my "about me" section, yet he's busier than I am. It's probably all the Mafia Wars. (Just kidding, honey.)

And Drew? Well besides retaining the title of cutest baby in the world, he's being a pure, adorable mess. Into EVERYTHING. Minding better. Eating terribly (unless it's bread). Hating nursery class. Into anything with a cord still.


Loving his mommy.


Loving water.


Playing peekaboo.

Andrew and I are going on a much needed date night tonight while my parents watch Drew. Then we *might* be heading out to the MidSouth Fair on Saturday with friends. Fun times!!!

On a totally random note, I heard this song today, Give Me Your Eyes, while driving and thought, "What if this were everyone's prayer? How much differently would we treat one another?" Here are the lyrics:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see



Look at the world through His eyes this week!

Patience

Patience. When I prayed for it, I had Drew- not that Drew is especially trying of one's patience. So, I guess that means I was just lacking in that department. As Drew ventures into toddlerhood, I really have no choice except to gain patience. I often find him unraveling toilet paper, playing in the toilet water, eating a prized coupon, throwing a temper tantrum while I'm getting food ready or trying to get into the bag of Cheetos an hour before dinner. *Deep breath....*

Patience building times! I'm just glad he hasn't figured out how to use markers yet!

God says that one of the fruits of the spirit (meaning something we must exhibit if Christ lives in us) is patience. Patience with our children, our spouses, our friends, our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ...and even God. Learning to be patient in God's timing can be so difficult, but we MUST remember that His timing is best since He can see the bigger picture.

I write this post now to myself more than anything else! Hope you have a blessed day today, full of patience!!

My Journey to Becoming a SAHM

I want to preface this post by saying that I DO NOT believe it's wrong for a mom to work out of the home. It doesn't make her ANY less of a mom than those who stay home. Some moms CAN'T stay home. I understand that--I've been there! We all have to do what's best for our own families. So this post isn't about putting down working moms because they don't/can't/don't want to stay at home. This post is more about following your heart when God plants a seed there, whether it be staying at home with your child, teaching, managing, or becoming a missionary! This post is about going where God leads you and having faith that He will see you through, even when it doesn't make sense at times.
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Amy @ Finer Things published a post last week about stay at home moms. Even though many won't be able to relate to my story, I thought a few people just might. I was hesistant to post this on my blog at first, afraid it might offend some, but then I thought, "It just might give one woman comfort or hope or an added ounce of faith." So here goes...

"Mommy, come home!"

Though my tiny newborn couldn't utter these words to me as I headed back to work after a short 6 week maternity leave, I could feel it. He needed me. The Lord had grown him inside me for 9 full months and I'd been his provider of everything for the past month and a half. I nursed him, rocked him, comforted him when he hurt, and held him while he slept. He had given purpose to my life. And there I was, laying him into arms he barely knew to walk out the door for my night shift. "Gotta make ends meet."

Guilt. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. I felt them all. But how could I ever express these feelings of negativity to anyone when I was "only" working 1-2 12 hour night shifts a week. People thought I had a luxury by only working ONE day a week. I felt like I would be perceived as ungrateful and lazy for desiring to be a stay at home mom. A lot of my fellow nursing friends thought it was crazy that I'd spent 4 1/2 years in college and taken a large chunk of student loans, "just" to stay home. I wanted to pull out my hair; no one seemed to understand the way I felt! Was I crazy for wanting this?

I examined my motives. Why do I want to be a stay at home mom? Why do I feel guilty about my desire to raise my own child in our own home? Am I putting too much stress on my husband to earn that extra dollar? What do I think God wants for me? It's like Amy stated: "Staying home to raise my children is so much more than what I do. It’s who I am." I've felt that yearning and tugging at my heart to be a stay at home mom since I was a teenager. I just felt like it was what God wanted me to do. And then I remembered, "he knows the desires of my heart."

I explained my desires and frustrations to my husband, Andrew. He and I both wanted me to stay at home, but the funds just weren't there. The numbers didn't add up at the end of the month. I prayed fervently as I continued working. I went in for my night shift, exhausted, feeling as if I were a danger to my patients at times. My energy level was nearly zapped seeing as how I was still nursing every 2 hours at night and not getting a nap during the day. Oh, and let's not forget mommy brain. I couldn't remember what medication I was supposed to be giving, what patient just called for a urinal, or why I was standing in the kitchen break room looking for casting supplies. I wasn't doing anyone any good, and I feared I would end up actually harming someone! Something had to give.

We prayed. And prayed some more. And some more. We cut the extras: no more satellite, drastically reduced the take-out, started cutting coupons, only drove when we had to. Finally we thought we had a financial break. I counted down the weeks to hand in my resignation. I was preparing to head into work to announce to my boss my new job as a SAHM. To say I was excited would be a severe understatement. That's when my husband called and explained that the financial break we thought we were getting wasn't going to occur anytime soon. I was crushed. Was God not listening? Did he not want me to have the desires of my heart? Why the wait? Am I supposed to be learning something here? I held my baby and cried. That afternoon while he napped, I prayed. I literally cried to God, explaining my thoughts, questions, hurts. This will be strange to say to some, but, I felt him telling me to hand in my resignation anyway--even though there wasn't enough money in the bank. "What a crazy idea," I thought. "We can't pay the bills on nothing. God, I feel you telling me to stay at home, but I don't know for sure that's what you're saying. God, I need a physical sign!!! How will this possibly work?!"

A few minutes later the phone rang. It was one of my best friends calling to tell me that she and her husband were in a similar situation. I asked her what I should do, fully expecting her to tell me to just wait it out at work until the finances came through. "You know what?" she said. "God is gonna provide. I think you should resign and have faith that God will let your ends meet. He won't let you go without food and shelter! He says we're supposed to trust him in EVERYTHING, including finances." I cried tears of joy on the phone with her, explaining to her that she was my "sign."

I poured my heart out to my husband and told him my burden had been lifted. He was 100% okay with me resigning that night. So I did. I put my letter in my boss' box with no fear, guilt, or worry. I knew God would take care of us, even if the numbers didn't add up on paper right then.

It's been months since that day. And you know what? We haven't gone without paying the bills, without eating, or without a roof over our heads. And we're finding that the more we give to God and others in need (even if we may not have it to give), that he blesses us right back. Little things are always happening to give us extra income. My dependence on God has made my faith and my relationship with him so much stronger.

I know I am right where the Lord wants me. Being a SAHM is not for everyone, but I know it's for me. And if you feel a tugging in your heart that the Lord has placed within you to be a SAHM, don't fight it! Trust that the Lord will take care of you and your family. He is such a generous God and wants us to have the desires of our hearts--especially when our desire and His plan is to care for His children!

It's Not About You!

Do you ever get that feeling that God is trying to tell you something? Like the preacher mentions a verse here, you read a verse there. A knocking at your heart here, a tugging at the conscience there? And pretty soon you think, "Hey, this is all kinda fitting together! Maybe I should listen!"

I think God tells us different things in our lives as we go upon our journeys. He makes different verses important to us as different times. This might sound somewhat stupid when I tell you what God's been putting on my heart because it's what God is all about, but here it is....

FOCUS ON OTHERS.

See, that's what God is all about in the first place, so you'd think I'd have that message down pat after claiming Him as my master for so many years. But it's so easy to focus inward. We feel sorry for ourselves. We think, "Woe is me!" when the smallest things in our lives go awry. Even when we could look around and see handfuls upon handfuls of people who are so much worse off. We're busy people. We work, cook, clean, and pour ourselves out everywhere else, so that in the end, we feel we have nothing left to give in service. Shame on us. Shame on me.

In my Bible study this morning, this verse stuck out to me: Ephesians 2:3-6 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus."

I'm so guilty of violating this verse. How many times have I used having a baby in tow as an excuse? My piles of laundry? Our busy schedule? Work?

I'm trying. Trying to open my eyes to take advantage of opportunities to serve others through Christ. Does it mean sacrificing time? Of course. Does it mean that my stuff will have to wait and I might have to quit using my age old excuses? Uh, yeah.

Sometimes I think I just need to look in the mirror and say, "It's not about you, Audra!!"

Yes, the laundry is important. It's important to have clean clothes. It's important to pay the bills and run a smooth household, etc. But when that becomes a priority over God and serving others? I think that's what makes it an idol. You mean laundry can be an idol? Yeah, I think so!

So what's so hard about serving others? For me--getting out of my shell, my comfort zone! It's EASY SHMEASY to sit on a pew and take, take, take. But you know what, that's not what Jesus was about! We've got to get out of our shells--talk to people at church who are our brothers and sisters, even though we may not know them well! Talk to the people around us. Build relationships. Sign up where assistance is needed. Minister to others during times of need. That's what family is about! There's so much more to our church family than what we make it!

God is good, and He'll reward you for taking the plunge out of your zone. You'll minister to others, but you'll be blessed so much more in return! I KNOW I have been!

Unfaithful

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

— Brennan Manning (repeated by DC Talk)

I was watching an older episode of House, M.D. (Unfaithful) last night during my quiet time while Drew slept. House made a comment to a man who was pretending to be a priest, but had actually lost his faith in God. He continued on his mission as a priest because it was his "only marketable skill." House's quote to him went something like this, "Live it or don't live it. Don't pretend and make yourself a hypocrite."Again, that wasn't verbatim, but it gets the point across.

Oh the truth that lies within those words, and spoken from a self proclaimed atheist. Hey, he's onto something. It sounded a lot like Revelation 3:15-16: “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!"

No one is perfect. But I believe it's the difference in sincerely trying and not really caring that makes the difference in 2 Christians (or "Christians") with the same sin. Does that make sense?

In other words, take a Christian who truly wants to live the lifestyle of the Christ, to really walk the walk...he goes out in desperation one night and gets drunk and comes home truly sorry and repentant and attempts to come up with ways to not make that mistake again. Take another "Christian" who plans to go out and get drunk that night with friends. Parties it up, has a grand time, comes home, and attends church the next morning without remorse. Then s/he plans on doing it again the next time the invitation is open.

Both sit on the pew at church on Sunday morning. Both are guilty of the sin of drunkenness and possibly other sins. What's the difference?

It's in the heart. It's your intentions. It's if you're trying.

I am so discouraged by fake Christianity. Either live it, or don't live it. Give it 110%. Not 10% and pretend like it's enough when you know it's not. How many times have you looked at a "Christian's" profile on facebook and seen that their quotes are full of curse words, pictures full of drunken acts and immodesty and then look at their favorite book: "The Bible, definitely!"

Ahh!! If that's the case, LIVE BY IT! Yes, God's grace is sufficient, but that doesn't give anyone permission to continue sinning no matter how fun it may be!

Everyone sins. No one is perfect or even near perfect. I sin by the hour, I'm sure! But it's what in the heart that matters. If you are truly a Christian, you know we're here for one purpose. So let's live like that this week.

Knowing and Truly Knowing

There is a difference in knowing of God and truly knowing God. I can recite His words all day, sit in the pews of my church every time the doors open, and even pray before going to bed without ever really connecting with God. I cannot count how many people I encounter who have this problem in one way or another. In a way, I guess we ALL struggle with this concept from time to time. Periods of life occur where we just run through the motions without the connection. The problem I see so often is that for a LOT of people it's something that is constant; the connection is hardly ever there. They're in a rut.

What is it that makes a relationship with God?

I don't know that I can sum that up in one short sentence. (Hello? Do I shorten anything into one sentence?) I think a key element is sacrifice. It's being selfless and putting whatever God's will is in front of your own. Since we live in a world where everything is focused on oneself, this sacrificial attitude is even more difficult to attain. But get more realistic...what does the sacrifice mean? It means when God is your priority, you may be lonely. You may be uncomfortable. You may not be happy. You may not get what you want. And it won't always be easy. Rest assured that if your life is constantly hunky dory without any spiritual worry, Satan has already won!

But if God is not your priority, your foundation, then everything else built on top of whatever your foundation may be, is not stable. I'm talking every aspect of life--marriages, relationships, finances, work, conversations--even as minute as what you choose to clothe yourself in! If God is not the foundation, the priority, then truly knowing God is not there! It's only with the attitude of full sacrifice and commitment that the motions make a difference in our lives. Only when we are changed from the inside out does it make a difference whether our rear ends warm a pew, whether our prayers are effective, whether the words that come out of our lips in joyful song are true or not!

If we are not trying our best to LIVE the life we clothed ourselves in when we chose to be Christians, then we are dragging the reputation of Christ through the dirt. And we should be ashamed. Everyone makes mistakes. Jesus knew ahead of time that would be the case. But the difference is making a conscious decision to do better...to live better.

This week make putting EVERY aspect of your life into God's hands a priority. Be the hands and feet of Jesus this week. This is true Christian living!

Take It From the Top

Like most mornings, I got up today, fumbled into the kitchen for my Cheerios (and highly craved milk), and sat at my computer to check my email, unread blogs, and facebook. It's my morning ritual. The ritual is completed and I'm sitting here with 5 billion things on my mind and no idea how to start sorting through them all to make a sensible post. And do I take the extra time (it's not like I don't have it) to find a way to make each completely different subject flow together, or do I take the easy way out and just write 15 different posts so that your reader feed is crammed with new stuff? (Or I could continue writing in run-ons.) And then...does anyone really care?!

How about I just take it from the top? As in, the top of my head. We'll just let it all spill out, in true Audra fashion. In real life, to hear me talk about all these things, I'd probably be speaking at the rate of an auctioneer, only more annoyingly. But once I'm finished "unloading," I can breathe a sigh of relief that this is typed somewhere and off my chest. Not only do I cast my burdens on the Lord, but I cast them on blogger as well.

My house is almost eerily quiet, and I can't help but think about how "times, they are a' changin!" The next time I hear quiet like this, I'll be in my 50s and my children will be off to college! The quiet and organization of the house is nice. But the quiet is also an emptiness when it goes on day after day after day. It needs coos and babbles and laughing...and even crying & screaming! I feel part crazy being the somewhat clean freak that I am, wishing for Cheerios on the floor, bottles on the counter, and toys in my open living room. Soon & very soon! You can remind me of my wishes later... ;)

(Insert witty, topic changing line here)

I don't know why this has suddenly harped on me so greatly, but I am just totally appalled at the lack of self respect (& respect for others!) some girls have these days. Yesterday during the 15 seconds we spent parking and dropping back off a video at Blockbuster, two teenagers walked out of the store with two different teenage boys wearing shorts so short you could tell exactly where their legs ended and their rear ends began. Then we pulled through the gas station where a young 13 or 14 year old stepped out of her family van with a decent length skirt folded half way up! My automatic thought was, "Where is your mother when you're dressed like this?!" Then I saw her mother, and realized exactly why she dressed the way she did. I guess the part that bothers me so much is that I don't know what to do about it! Sure, I can do my best to teach my children differently, but it hurts me that I can't shield them from these things. It bothers me that girls, for generations in some families, have not been taught how to modestly dress themselves to honor not only God, but their bodies and other people's minds. I just want to walk up to them and lovingly say, "Sweetheart, I know you think this is attractive, but you're not doing yourself any favors. Cover up! It doesn't have to be a parka. Just something longer!" Or I want to stand in the middle of the parking lot and give a speech. Something! Anything! But I feel helpless! Suggestions?

(Stepping off my rant box. Interject next topic changing sentence. As you can see, I'm going the lazy route.)

Let's go the pregnancy route now...

I always told myself I wouldn't be one of those pregnant ladies who had bulging bellies poking out from underneath their maternity shirts. Who wants to see that?! Well you know what? Sometimes you just can't help it! The shirt fits one day- the next day you wear it out and realize that last 5 pounds you gained went straight to that spot between your stretchy skirt line and your big, protruding belly. And so it peeks out. You pull down to cover it up. Then up pull up to cover up. Then you consider buying more $20 dollar plain cotton shirts that are waaaay overpriced simply because they carry the maternity label. Then you decide you only have 3 weeks left anyway and most of it will be spent somewhere between the air conditioner and the open freezer door. Let the bulging belly peek. It that immodest? I can tell you that I highly doubt I'll have the oldest and loneliest of men drooling over this. (Please add lonely and loneliest to the list of words I've always had trouble spelling. I just always think it should be lonley and lonliest. I have no idea why. Thank you, spellcheck!)

Please tell me I'm crazy. Last night as Andrew and I were making out a list of last minute items to pack for hospital when I'm wailing in pain (will my shampoo really be that important?), I added "laptop" aloud to the list. My husband's eyes shot over at me, wondering if I'd just had a pregnancy moment and said the wrong thing. You see, my husband the computer guru knows I am frequently jealous of his computer and his computer time. They have a very tight relationship, and he was assured the last member of our quaint family I wanted tagging along with us for this big journey was Dell. "Well, how else will I let everybody know the baby has been born?" I said. Uh, a phone, maybe? No. Because invariably I will forget someone and hurt their feelings. This way we're completely covered! Do we need the computer charger? No, because one quick post will be all that's needed! The love affair with networking can return after we get home from the hospital. So there. Am I crazy? Cause I got a look kinda like I was crazy when I mentioned this to two people. Do I even care if they think I'm crazy? The good Lord knows when I get home I certainly won't have time to sit down and blog! (Maybe in my sleep...)

As I've sat here and cleared my mind of 3/1500 of the things I've been bombarded with this morning, I now have writer's block and can't remember the other 1497 things. (Please note, I almost had to get a calculator out for that math.) I'm sure they'll come flooding back with a vengeance later! Sorry for this awkward post, but please rest assured I have breathed a small sigh of relief. I now have enough brain function free to help me remember how to walk from the chair to the couch. ;)

Journal entries...(warning: longest post EVER)

This is an extremely long post of journal entries if you're extremely bored (like Hilary at work-lol!) Kudos to anyone who actually makes it through the entire thing.

November 24, 2007- Sleeping all day again. Can’t even stay awake to wrap Christmas presents…one of my favorite chores! My sister and mom mock me telling me I’m pregnant as I continue trying to sleep on the parents’ couch. On the way home tonight (as I’m sleeping in the passenger seat) we have a flat tire. We just so happen to stop to change it next to the Hernando Wal Mart. Andrew says he’s going in to wash his hands after the tire change, so I ask if he’ll pick me up a pregnancy test just so I can put my mind at ease. He obliges and comes back with 2--just in case. Great. So the next time we have this pregnancy scare, I’ll have one on hand. When we get home, I sit my stuff down in the kitchen and head straight to the bathroom, my mind feeling relief already. Before I can even pull the stick out of the toilet, it has a large plus sign on the reading. My mouth fell open. Shock set in. I capped it and put it on the counter, knowing that during the 2 minute wait period it would go away. I walked out to the living room ever so slowly. I said, “Andrew, I need you to come in here and look at this result with me in just a minute.” “Okay,” he says.” “Cause I think it says it’s positive,” I add. His eyebrows raised and he headed for the bathroom. I grabbed his arm. “Wait, it still has 15 seconds left. I wanna make sure we get the right result.” He continues straining his neck to see the test while I hold his arm in the hallway.

We look. Positive. I immediately tell him that I might have peed on it 1 second to long, knowing that would probably make all the difference in the world. There ARE such things as false positives. He looked so happy. “I’m gonna be a daddy!” I cried. I asked him if he was mad at me. For what? I don’t know. For something we wanted to prevent, but obviously the big man upstairs didn’t. I cried some more.

Then I got scared. For the past 2 weeks I was sick and took Augmentin and Toradol and Ibuprofen without even taking a pregnancy test. I had no idea my extreme lower back pain the week before was due to a human the size the period at the end of this sentence. What had I done? What if I had hurt our baby? I hadn’t been taking a prenatal vitamin. What was I thinking? The spinal cord was already formed and closed. What if I caused my child to have spina bifida? I ran to the medicine cabinet and tried to swallow down a vitamin, only to choke and spit it back up. I was a mess.

Andrew was a saint. He lay on the couch with me and talked to our little bean. He patted my stomach and kissed baby dot several times. He told me I was going to be a great mommy. I could barely get out a half way smile. I was so worried. What about our finances? What about my job? I wanted to stay home with my baby for a while, but there was no way we could afford it. What about my two door car? How am I going to be 39 weeks pregnant driving that little thing? I mean the worries poured into my heart. Satan was trying to eat away whatever ounce of joy I had.

The rest of that night was a blur. We fell asleep in bed with Andrew’s hand on my tummy all night.

November 25, 2007- The next morning we woke up and it hit me all over again that I was pregnant. Andrew smiled when he woke up and kissed my tummy again. I wanted a piece of his happiness. We got up and got ready for church. On the way we talked about how we would tell them. Andrew wanted a picture of their faces the moment we told them. He wanted to tell my dad. He wanted to give them the pregnancy tests wrapped up. I just wanted to scream it out. I wanted to announce our pregnancy to everyone at church so that I could receive some comfort and reassurance, but I we wanted to wait. My mom was at home sick that morning so Dad, Andrew, Kacie, and I took food back to the house. We all sat at the table to eat. Conversation was flowly smoothly and Andrew was as cool as a cucumber. I, on the other hand, was ready to vomit my French fries at any moment due to my nerves. My mom finished a sentence. There was a quick pause. I decided to take the opportunity. All in one breath, I said, “Well, I guess I might as well go ahead and tell you guys. I’m pregnant.” Moment of silence. I stared at my plate. “Well, that was subtle,” Andrew said. My mom, dad, sister, and Andrew were crying. I, on the other hand, was not. Everyone was overjoyed except me. I mean, I was excited, but my worry overpowered my excitement. Anyway, that pretty much ended everyone’s appetite and I felt stares at my stomach when I got up to throw my plate away.

My now known pregnancy exhaustion kicked in about 2pm and I slept on the couch until 9pm. I got up pretty quickly at one point to use the bathroom and got really nauseated. Not fun, but I managed to avoid throwing up. We headed home where I slept a lot more.

November 26, 2007- I got up at 6am with an aching in my heart to just let it all out to God. I cried. A lot. I told him my fears. I acted like a big baby, but I was alone in the house and he knew my heart already, so I just let it all go. I felt a tug to read my Bible. So I picked it up and started reading verses on anxiety and worry and plans by the Lord. Then I got to this verse and it hit hard: Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Why did I not feel like it was a reward? Because I was letting Satan steal my joy. I decided I was going to change that. The Lord had REWARDED us with something miraculous, and I wanted to rejoice in that. I called my pregnant friend Lori to share the news with her and talk with her about my concerns. She listened and made me feel a lot better. Sleep time came around 4pm and I slept again until 6am the next day.

November 30, 2007- Oh, baby. Complaints first. It’s like I’m eating for 5. I am not kidding when I say I am HUNGRY at least every 2 hours. Between the hours of 7pm-12am I am starving every 30 minutes. Literally cramping stomach I’m so hungry. Growling ferociously. It’s horrible! I’ve never been hungry like this in my life. It’s the closet to starving I’ve ever felt if I go 4 awake hours without calorie rich food. I need to carry a big plastic thermos as my lunch box because I take in so much food…and leave with empty containers! Two mornings ago when I got home from work, I was so hungry I ate two deer filets and creamed potatoes. Yes, that hungry. I realize that a) I need to consume only 300 extra calories a day b) this baby is the size of a dot and c)I need to eat healthy snacks, BUT…when I get that hungry (and it hits SO suddenly) I get extremely nauseated, and the only way to feel better and not so shaky/nauseous is to eat! And I’m not talking about an apple slice or a saltine cracker. I think a man somewhere made up this 300 calorie rule. If it keeps me from puking, I’m going to eat for now. The good news: no vomiting yet (knock on wood, thank you God!).

Another thing is this baby is sucking away all of my hydration! I’ve been drinking more water in a 24 hour period than I EVER have and my lips flake, crack, and bleed all the time. I’ve never had this problem before! My poor facial skin is dry as well, and I’ve always been a Clinique Type 3 Oily Skin girl. I think I should get daily infusions of normal saline at work to keep from gushing blood out of my mouth.

Andrew has been SO helpful the past few days. On Monday night before heading to work I had had 1 ½ hours of sleep. I was hormonal, tired, nervous, late for work, and hungry/nauseated. He just sat and listen to me cry for no reason. As in, I was almost to work and was giving him the grocery list—crying. I felt so stupid, but I couldn’t help it! Then he came home that night and cooked catfish on the grill and deer steaks with mashed potatoes and the next night he made spaghetti with mushrooms. How sweet was that?

December 3, 2007- I have found a new BFF. Move over Andrew. His name is Tums. We now dine at every meal together. He has effects on me like none other. I picked him up at Sam’s in the industrial sized bottle. Whoever made this product is a LIFESAVER. I no longer have to taste my food 15 times 4 hours after I’ve eaten.

December 6, 2007- Well yesterday was the big appointment that turned out to be not so big. They did a urinalysis and didn’t give me results, drew my blood for STDs (waste of money), and shoved a metal speculum in me with no warning whatsoever. My OB is nice (I guess), but she doesn’t have the excellent bedside manner I was hoping for. My next appointment is scheduled for January 7^th at 1:00pm with her again. My only saving grace is that after the 20 week mark, you see different doctors. And whomever is on call is the one who delivers the baby. She was just…rough. If I could pick her again, would I? Nope. I was mostly disappointed yesterday that I was told I was 8 weeks along and was to get no ultrasound. Stupid me didn’t think to ask when they normally do it. I wanted one so badly just to see the baby’s heartbeat chugging along. To see some physical evidence that I’m pregnant. I thought maybe I could get one at work, but Andrew wants to be there for the first time. I understand he wants to experience it as well, but 1) he’s not going to come up there at 4am and 2) it should give HIM peace of mind to know that the baby’s doing well even if he doesn’t witness it. Anyway, I might still change OBs.

The best thing that happened yesterday is that she gave us a due date for July 18, 2008. Granted that will probably change a little when the u/s takes place, but at least we have something official now. The parents were excited to hear it.

I actually got an IV at work on Monday night because I was so dehydrated. Everyone finally put together that I was pregnant. There was no reason to hide it. They all knew! So I have to hurry and tell all the grandparents before someone else tells them! Yikes!

Moving Faith Beyond Words

It's so easy to say, Have faith. Trust. The Lord will take care of you. It's so easy to say that to someone else and trust in your words. Why? Because it's someone else's life that is out of whack. It's someone else's life who has had the control taken away. It's much harder a lot of times to say that to yourself...and believe it and apply it.

I've been to church and Bible school since I was out of the house in diapers. I know the "trust" verses and the "worry" verses in my head. But you know what? In trying times, sometimes it's hard to move them from your head to your heart because when you move them to your heart it means you have to fully believe them, not just be able to recite them. You have to rely on them for complete assurance. But you know what? I think these situations are the Lord's way of saying, "It's time to put these verses into action. It's time to make you a stronger person. In other words, let's put your money where your mouth is."

If you're anything like me, you're a planner. If you're going on vacation, you have a home made vacation book with maps in the order you'll need them, tickets in order that you'll need them, and parking suggestions...in the order that you need them. I like to plan. I like to know things ahead of time. I hate when people tell me I have a surprise gift because it's out of my control. I hate not knowing! I like to hold on to a little bit of the control...

It's easy to pray, Lord, take control. It's a little bit harder to hand that control over to him because it means complete and total trust and obedience...but it also means erasing your plans and letting God write His. You may know in your head His plan is the best, but when it's different from your plan, sometimes it's hard to accept. With this acceptance may come a little bit of worry. Maybe not worry that God won't follow through. But just anxiousness at what's going to happen. Anxiousness about the situation that is completely out of your control. That's why I love this next verse. I can just see God's eyebrows raised and kind of chuckling as he says it, as if saying, "Think about it--I care for you above all else! Of course I'm going to care for you!"

Matt 6:25-34-"...do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? *Insert eyebrow raising and slight chuckle during next line* Look at the birds of the air, that they don't sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth more than they are!?...for your heavenly Father knows you need these things. But seek first His kindom and His righteouness and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Amen!

Philippians 4:6- Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So my goal for today is to rejoice in the Lord's plan, to pray that I can lean on him during times of struggle, knowing he has plans for me to prosper, knowing he wants the best for me, and allow my faith to move from my head into my heart. To allow these verses I've heard preached a million times move from a memory verse to an application. To not worry because God will take care of it!

Can I hear an Amen?

Just for Today

One of my favorite prayers in song. I sing it almost every day before I go to work. It's just so simple and pure in heart.

Father God,
Just for today
Help me walk your narrow way
Help me stand when I might fall
Give me the strength to hear Your call

May my steps be worship
May my thoughts be praise
My my words bring honor to your name
May my steps be worship
May my thoughts be praise
May my words bring honor to your name

I "need" more stuff!

As easy as it is to get caught up in keeping up with the Jones's, it makes me so sad to think about what a materialistic people we have become. Big diamonds, monstrous houses, fancy cars, lavish vacations, and spending tons of money on entertainment and technology. Now I know when I make that statement, in many ways I point the finger at myself as well. Everyone's guilty of it. We are told to never deny ourselves, to give in to our every whim and desire. Through the Bible's words and examples of self sacrifice and denial, this just isn't the case!

Hebrews 13:5 warns, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have..."

We forget whose money/car/house it is in the first place: God's. God blessed us with those material blessings and the jobs we have to earn the money to buy those material items. Just as easily as he gives, he can take away. We are here for one purpose only, and that is to serve the Lord by praising him and bring others to understand his grace, love, and purpose for their lives. It's easy to forget how short our life on earth really is when compared to eternity in heaven. We have to remember our task here on earth is to live as servants. Jesus didn't come to this earth to take, but to give. He gave of his time, his resources, his grace, healing, and forgiveness.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Malachi 3:10. "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty. And see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it. This verse just puts a mental image in my mind of a great dam waiting to break loose...and at the command of God the dam breaks free and the rivers of blessings come tearing out! This verse tells us two things: #1-God tells us to TEST Him! I can't think of another passage in the Bible where he tells his children to test his Word. #2- He guarantees (100%) that he will reward us back more than we gave!



This week, be thankful for what you have. Make time in your prayers to give genuine thanks to God for his blessings. In return, give of yourself, your time, and your money. Finds ways to serve people. Lend an ear, a helping hand, a couple of dollars. Do these things in the name of love, and God promises he will richly reward you!

Have a blessed and thankful week!