If I Could Sit Down with a Pre-Baby Me

My friend, Lisa, posted a video on facebook of moms responding to the question, "If you go could back to just before your child was born, what would you tell yourself?"

It got me thinking about what I'd tell myself. Here's how the conversation might go:

1. You're gonna make mistakes. Everyone does. And it's okay. No one's perfect.
2. The no sleep stage is temporary.
3. Enjoy the nursing moments.
4. Trust your gut. It won't be wrong.
5. Just because she has a child older than yours doesn't mean she knows everything.
6. Showers are overrated.
7. God's grace is sufficient.
8. Dig your heels into the Word. It will sustain you in tough times. And there will be tough times.
9. Make the decision that's best for your family, in light of God's word.
10. Learn couponing NOW!
11. Colic....it can happen to you. Research it in relation to shields.
12. Even better, stay away from the shields.
13. Pamper's Baby Dry leaks the least. Stock up.
14. Go on as many dates as possible alone. Talk about your marriage, your spiritual relationships, your goals for your family. Make it fresh in your mind before the chaos hits.
15. Get ready. Your heart is about to be stolen forever.
16. You are about to get a tiny glimpse of God's love for you. So many things in the Bible will resonate with new meaning after you fall in love with your baby boy.
17. Accept help.
18. A clean house is overrated.
19. A baby lives in your home 24/7. It's okay for it to look like that. Other people understand.
20. Freeze some meals to eat post-baby. Your hubs doesn't wanna cook all the time.

I could go on and on! Anything you'd add to the list?

Revelations of Toddlerhood

1. My job as a parent is basically damage control.

2. My house is never clean longer than naptime.

3. I don't waste naptime cleaning anyway.

4. Noise, however headache enducing, is confirmation of play. Quiet is never good.

5. I no longer explain to guests why the toilet paper is loosely rerolled onto the tube.

6. The toilet bowl is like the golden standard of toys.

7. "See-food" is the daily special around here.

8. I didn't need the cover of that magazine anyway.

9. How is it that his shoes cost more than mine and they're a 10th of the size?!

10. The wet ponytail bump is "in." Someone let Stacy and Clinton know.

Being a new mom, in retrospect...

Kelly did a post on things that were harder/easier about being a mom than she thought they would be, and I wanted to give it a whirl!

Things that were Easier:

1. I had a Csection and never pushed--that made delivery a LOT easier than I had imagined.

2. Breastfeeding (after we weaned off those stupid shields)

3. Losing the baby weight. It had a lot to do with 2 things: 1) breastfeeding & 2) the flu. I don't recommend the latter.

4. Night wakings during the early days. Yes, we woke up a lot to eat. However, he ALWAYS (minus 2 times maybe?) went right back to sleep after nursing. We always got lots of sleep, albeit broken up.

5. His demeanor. After we got over that terrible colic, Drew NEVER cried unless he was really sleepy. I've seen other babies who just cry apparently for no reason. Drew never did this. He was just happy and content to jump and bounce and play--all. the. time. People told me all the time how "lucky" we were that he was so content in any situation. I hope we don't find out just how lucky we were with any subsequent children!

6. Letting Andrew take control. Andrew had zilch experience with babies, so sometimes I wondered if he would even want to be alone with Drew. However, he's such a good daddy that I have never thought twice about leaving Drew alone with him, even when he was little and I had to work long shifts. I know that he will give Drew exactly what I would. And this is the best part for me: if Drew were to get upset and Andrew couldn't figure out the problem, he would call me or bring Drew to me! That's such security for a mom!

7. Pumping. When I first got my breast pump, it was as if someone had disassembled a car and asked me to put it back together. All the technicalities of pumping, storing, thawing, etc left me boggled! However, it only takes a time or 2 to become a pro!

8. Diapers. They really aren't that bad.

(My goal was to list 10 things here. I just can't come up with 10, and that's gonna eat me up because I listed 10 things below. Unevenness--argh!)

Things that were Harder:

1. Going in any store with Drew. I always envisioned myself spending my days strolling from store to store in the local outdoor mall while Drew played quietly in his stroller and fell asleep for 3 hours. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

2. Traveling with Drew. He's just now getting to where he can take a 2 hour trip and not scream.

3. Being alone in the day. I'm a pretty "to myself" person most of the time-not your social butterfly (are you surprised?). So being at home with just Drew all day sometimes gets me down.

4. Colic. I always skipped that section of the books that I read during pregnancy because I just knew we wouldn't be dealing with that. (Thank you, God, for Levsin!)

5. Worrying about illnesses. I'm sure every mother does this to some degree, but I hear of all these kids with terminal or life threatening illnesses and it just takes my breath away to even consider being in their shoes. Lots of prayer about this!

6. Naps. I just assumed Drew would be this beautiful sleeper since both his parents enjoy it so much. Don't babies just take 3 hour nap, no problem? Well....Drew would sleep for long periods, but only on us because if we put him down....(see number 7)

7. Leaky diapers. Whenever he was laid in his own bed to sleep, pee would go everywhere within 5 seconds. And I'm not kidding! It would be in his hair all the way down to his toes within 5 seconds. Amazing. I guess I never expected to have that much of a problem with diapers.

8. Learning to be selfless. You just can't know how much selflessness a mother develops until you've walked in her shoes. I knew Drew would take up a lot of time, effort, etc. But he takes up most of me. A surprising thing is that even though there have been times when it made me sad to give up certain activities because of Drew, most of the time I haven't minded because I love him that much that I can usually deny myself without negative feelings. Having a child takes selflessness to an entirely new level.

9. Wrangling the child. I always envisioned Drew lovingly lying back in my arms, just taking in his surroundings. NOT. He wants to be up, active, and taking it in with his front row seat. He has just recently started lying back and relaxing in our arms at times. This leaves for lots of sweating, ponytails, and non constrictive clothing! Not necessarily a bad thing...just unexpected!

10. Letting him spend time away from me. How I miss him when we're apart--even for 2 hours!

Vaccine Info I Wish I'd Known

I'm so embarassed. More than that, I feel so guilty. I have finally educated myself on vaccines, using sources outside of government funded websites. I'm just shocked. Even doctors I used to work with say they don't get their children immunized due to the additives in the vaccines. I read story after story after story of people who lost their children or whose children were permanently injured because of a vaccine.

Why hadn't I read all this BEFORE injecting all that stuff into my child? That's why I am embarrassed and feel guilty...I blindly trusted the words of pharmaceutical companies!

Yeah. I got them and I'm fine. So did tons of others. But so, so many people have children who are being harmed by these vaccines. They're either not reported, or the government and health care professionals refuse to link them to the vaccines.

Drew received the chicken pox vaccine a few weeks ago at his 1 year check up. Had I known that the chicken pox vaccine contains aborted baby cells, I would have adamantly refused. I know now.

This is the kicker. Good ole Mississippi is one of two states in the entire country who does not allow parents to choose what vaccines, if any, their child receives. This leaves me with two options: homeschool or move out of state. So for now, we're changing pediatricians to one who more accurately aligns with our beliefs and we'll vaccinate as we see fit.

I'm not anti vaccines. I'm anti-notknowingwhatyourchildisgetting-and mandating it for my child to have an education!

I just wish I'd known this information BEFORE I allowed Drew to be vaccinated, before I just trusted the government with my child's healthcare decisions. Mistake made. Not again!

A Change of Mind

Andrew and I finally decided to do it. We were gonna let Drew spend the night with my parents this Friday night. He's never been without either of us overnight; as I thought about the situation this past weekend, as much as I looked forward to spending quality time with Andrew, I couldn't help but worry.

Will he miss me? Will he wonder where I went? Will he think I left him? Will he be scared at night? Will he have trouble going to sleep without me? Will he take a sippy with milk okay?

All those questions plus more left me worried about the entire ordeal. Later that night, we all went out to eat with my parents, sister, and brother in law. As I stared at Drew in all of his cuteness, the worry of leaving him overnight came to mind.

Then he threw his toys on the floor repeatedly. I had to take him outside while we waited for food. He was fussy. He got potatoes all in his hair. I don't even remember what my fillet tasted like. My potato was cold when I finally ate it.

And just like that, my mind changed. Tough love, baby cakes! Mommy and Daddy are having a night to themselves!!

Here's to dinner without a highchair, remembering what the food tasted like, a late night movie, ice cream after 10pm, and, lest we forget, SLEEPING IN on Saturday! (I'm trying to throw a visit to the mall in there, but don't tell Andrew!) ;)

My Journey to Becoming a SAHM

I want to preface this post by saying that I DO NOT believe it's wrong for a mom to work out of the home. It doesn't make her ANY less of a mom than those who stay home. Some moms CAN'T stay home. I understand that--I've been there! We all have to do what's best for our own families. So this post isn't about putting down working moms because they don't/can't/don't want to stay at home. This post is more about following your heart when God plants a seed there, whether it be staying at home with your child, teaching, managing, or becoming a missionary! This post is about going where God leads you and having faith that He will see you through, even when it doesn't make sense at times.
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Amy @ Finer Things published a post last week about stay at home moms. Even though many won't be able to relate to my story, I thought a few people just might. I was hesistant to post this on my blog at first, afraid it might offend some, but then I thought, "It just might give one woman comfort or hope or an added ounce of faith." So here goes...

"Mommy, come home!"

Though my tiny newborn couldn't utter these words to me as I headed back to work after a short 6 week maternity leave, I could feel it. He needed me. The Lord had grown him inside me for 9 full months and I'd been his provider of everything for the past month and a half. I nursed him, rocked him, comforted him when he hurt, and held him while he slept. He had given purpose to my life. And there I was, laying him into arms he barely knew to walk out the door for my night shift. "Gotta make ends meet."

Guilt. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. I felt them all. But how could I ever express these feelings of negativity to anyone when I was "only" working 1-2 12 hour night shifts a week. People thought I had a luxury by only working ONE day a week. I felt like I would be perceived as ungrateful and lazy for desiring to be a stay at home mom. A lot of my fellow nursing friends thought it was crazy that I'd spent 4 1/2 years in college and taken a large chunk of student loans, "just" to stay home. I wanted to pull out my hair; no one seemed to understand the way I felt! Was I crazy for wanting this?

I examined my motives. Why do I want to be a stay at home mom? Why do I feel guilty about my desire to raise my own child in our own home? Am I putting too much stress on my husband to earn that extra dollar? What do I think God wants for me? It's like Amy stated: "Staying home to raise my children is so much more than what I do. It’s who I am." I've felt that yearning and tugging at my heart to be a stay at home mom since I was a teenager. I just felt like it was what God wanted me to do. And then I remembered, "he knows the desires of my heart."

I explained my desires and frustrations to my husband, Andrew. He and I both wanted me to stay at home, but the funds just weren't there. The numbers didn't add up at the end of the month. I prayed fervently as I continued working. I went in for my night shift, exhausted, feeling as if I were a danger to my patients at times. My energy level was nearly zapped seeing as how I was still nursing every 2 hours at night and not getting a nap during the day. Oh, and let's not forget mommy brain. I couldn't remember what medication I was supposed to be giving, what patient just called for a urinal, or why I was standing in the kitchen break room looking for casting supplies. I wasn't doing anyone any good, and I feared I would end up actually harming someone! Something had to give.

We prayed. And prayed some more. And some more. We cut the extras: no more satellite, drastically reduced the take-out, started cutting coupons, only drove when we had to. Finally we thought we had a financial break. I counted down the weeks to hand in my resignation. I was preparing to head into work to announce to my boss my new job as a SAHM. To say I was excited would be a severe understatement. That's when my husband called and explained that the financial break we thought we were getting wasn't going to occur anytime soon. I was crushed. Was God not listening? Did he not want me to have the desires of my heart? Why the wait? Am I supposed to be learning something here? I held my baby and cried. That afternoon while he napped, I prayed. I literally cried to God, explaining my thoughts, questions, hurts. This will be strange to say to some, but, I felt him telling me to hand in my resignation anyway--even though there wasn't enough money in the bank. "What a crazy idea," I thought. "We can't pay the bills on nothing. God, I feel you telling me to stay at home, but I don't know for sure that's what you're saying. God, I need a physical sign!!! How will this possibly work?!"

A few minutes later the phone rang. It was one of my best friends calling to tell me that she and her husband were in a similar situation. I asked her what I should do, fully expecting her to tell me to just wait it out at work until the finances came through. "You know what?" she said. "God is gonna provide. I think you should resign and have faith that God will let your ends meet. He won't let you go without food and shelter! He says we're supposed to trust him in EVERYTHING, including finances." I cried tears of joy on the phone with her, explaining to her that she was my "sign."

I poured my heart out to my husband and told him my burden had been lifted. He was 100% okay with me resigning that night. So I did. I put my letter in my boss' box with no fear, guilt, or worry. I knew God would take care of us, even if the numbers didn't add up on paper right then.

It's been months since that day. And you know what? We haven't gone without paying the bills, without eating, or without a roof over our heads. And we're finding that the more we give to God and others in need (even if we may not have it to give), that he blesses us right back. Little things are always happening to give us extra income. My dependence on God has made my faith and my relationship with him so much stronger.

I know I am right where the Lord wants me. Being a SAHM is not for everyone, but I know it's for me. And if you feel a tugging in your heart that the Lord has placed within you to be a SAHM, don't fight it! Trust that the Lord will take care of you and your family. He is such a generous God and wants us to have the desires of our hearts--especially when our desire and His plan is to care for His children!

Holed Up

My mom and I tried taking Drew to Target yesterday. It went pretty much like the Kohls trip, minus the explosive diaper. He was pitching a fit to get down; so, hoping to save myself more public embarrassment, I let him down in the toy aisle. It was free of kids.

Have a ball, Drew.

What was I thinking? My son wanted to head straight to the electronics (cords, hello?), and in the trip across the aisle (while Mom and I were chasing him), he ran out in front of two innocent bystanders and their cart. They slammed on their brakes and missed him. I apologized 15 times, but I got a look like, "Keep a handle on your kid."

Guess we're gonna stay holed up in the house until we learn the word "sit."

"That" Mom

To anyone in Kohl's today, I apologize. Today I was "that" mom. You know the one. The one who is letting her child run amuck while she juggles 15 other things at the same time.

I headed to Kohls to spend 20 dollars in Kohls bucks for my preggo sister who lives out of town. She had mailed them to me so she didn't get ripped off by Kohls, after purchasing extra Caroline items a month ago so she could receive the coveted extra Kohls dollars.

Before Drew & I got out of the car, I changed his outfit because he was soaked in slobber. (Tooth number 8 is kicking our tail in spit.) So we went inside where I contemplated the use of the stroller. I opted "no" for several reasons:

1. Half of them were covered in crumbs and unidentifiable things.
2. Drew had just gotten out of a Target stroller where I had to continually remind him to "sit" and "stay," as if he had turned into a dog.
3. Kohls stroller/buggies are the WORST. They're oddly shaped and can hardly turn a corner without knocking over an entire rack of breakables.

So on the hip he went. My intention was to pick up 2 cute outfits ($10/piece is reasonable, right?) and get the heck outta dodge. Not so! Kohls usually low prices were bumped up today and were "Buy 1 at regular price, get the second 1/2 off!" Um, a Carter's outfit for 14.99? Making 2 outfits $22.50? I just couldn't do it--even though it wasn't my money. I can't allow them to rip off a sister. So we headed down to the clearance rack, Drew in tow.

Drew was itching to get down, flailing around and grunting, as if I were keeping him from discovering this whole new-to-him world. So I sat him down, praying he'd find enjoyment at staring at himself in the mirrored rack. Well, that might have worked if a Mickey Mouse kid sized chair hadn't been sitting there. So he tried to sit in it, pulled it around, pushed it over, etc. "Sturdy chair," I thought. He was squealing with delight playing with the aforementioned chair not 5 feet from me, and this lady across the rack looks at him out of the corner of her eye, lifts an eyebrow, and purses her lips as if to say, "Hmph! Heathen child!"

Not wanting to be the mother I saw at Target yesterday, I tried to take a step back and examine if I was letting my child run amuck, disturbing everyone else. He's just sitting there playing with a chair and squealing with delight, granted he was barefoot. What's the harm?! It's carpeted! The lady walked off, nose stuck in the air.

That's when I looked over and saw Drew dragging the chair down the aisle by the tag. Riiiiip. He ripped the tag off the chair, tearing the barcode in two. I sat the torn piece back in the chair, only to turn and find Drew playing with a huge roll of stickers some employee had left on the bottom shelf. "Great!" So I took the stickers away (which upset him) and proceeded to put him on my hip and carry the 10 pieces of clearance rack clothing in the other arm (with my purse) to the front. At this point, I was wishing I had that confounded stroller.

That's when Drew pitched his first public temper tantrum. Feet kicking, red faced, whining LOUDLY, and twisting to get out of my arms. I made my way towards the check out. I got lots of sympathetic heads which cocked to the side. "Thank you for understanding." One woman told me, "Awww...he's probably just hot." Okay......me too.

WHAM. The smell hit. Yep. The blow out diaper had occured. First one in a LONG time. Right there in Kohls. And the diaper bag was in the car. (Rule #354 of Mommyhood learned the hard way: The first time you leave your diaper bag in the car, you WILL need it, even if you've never used it in a store before.)

So the old lady and old man in front of me were wanting to count out their pennies to total the exact change while I stood rounding up my smelly, whining, kicking son. Lady on aisle 2 felt sorry for me and said she'd check me out. "God bless you," I thought.

"Do y'all take returns?" I said. "This one is just acting up a little too much in public and so I think I'd like to return him," I said with a smile. She laughed as she looked at me with sweat beads forming on my forehead (and running down my back and everywhere else possible). Then she said those words which I think about every day, "I bet you'll be glad when Daddy gets home tonight, won't you, Mom?" Oh my- yes!

So the next time I see "that mom" in the store, I'm gonna be nice and not even glance her way. And if somehow our eyes do make contact, I'll look at her with sympathy and know that she, too, is ready for Daddy to be home!

1 Year Old Toy Recommendations

Drew's first birthday is on the horizon (I can't believe it either), and we're being asked what Drew "wants" for his birthday. What recommendations do you have from experience? Drums are out of the question. Thanks. ;)

Favorite Newborn Items- Addendum

1. Zip up sleepers for nighttime. Buttons at night are so frustrating!

2. Boppy pillow

3. Beadreaux's Buttpaste

4. Gerber cloth diapers for burp cloths

5. Fisher Price activity mat

6. Cheap receiving blankets to layer in bed to catch milk and pee

7. Target clothes. They actually fit even though they say NB only up to 8.5 lbs. He's almost 11 lbs and they still fit great! Gerber is awful!

8. Pacifiers

9. Kalencom diaper bag (thanks, Kacie!)

10. Pampers. They're SO much softer than Huggies!

11. Chicco travel system. This thing turns on a dime and handles potholes like they're nothing. Okay, maybe not potholes, but it does a great job on rocky roads!

A Day in the Life of a New Mom...

I always wondered what a new mom's schedule was like. Well, if you're wondering too, here it is.

8:30am- Wake up. Change diaper, wash baby's face, nurse.

9:15- Put baby on activity mat while I scarf down a healthy breakfast of a pop tart and apple juice.

9:25-Pick up crying baby from activity mat. Play in the floor. Take pictures.

9:30- Baby is fussy. Change to 5 million positions he doesn't like. Try pacifier.

9:40- Baby falling asleep in arms.

9:42- Baby crying with sopping wet diaper. Change diaper. Nurse.

10:00- Baby falls asleep in arms. Rock, rock, rock, rock...

10:45- Attempt to put baby in bassinet.

10:55- Baby crying. Has peed all over himself and his crib sheet. Change clothes, diaper, and crib sheet.

11:05- Rock, rock, rock with passy.

11:45- Attempt putting in bassinet again. Scarf down lunch as fast as possible.

12:45pm- Baby awake. Time to nurse again.

1:00- Baby falls asleep. Feel warmth down my side. Baby has peed out of diaper on himself, me, and the blanket. Change EVERYTHING.

2:15- Nurse again. Naptime!

4:15- Nurse again.

5:30- Hand baby over to Daddy while I fix dinner.

6:00- Baby on activity mat while we eat. I've eaten so many dinners to the tune of "The Animal Fair" and chirping crickets and frogs.

6:15- Nurse again.

6:30- Stroll around the neighborhood with Daddy and baby. Baby falls asleep.

7:00- Baby wakes up as we come in the house. Mommy heads for her quiet time to take a shower and turn on the radio (my favorite part of my day!)

7:30- Mommy leaves shower to hear baby crying. Daddy tries to console. Baby pees on Daddy. Daddy has to change clothes. Baby still crying.

8:00- Nurse again so baby will be quiet. Falls asleep in Mommy's arms. Mommy still has wet hair. Fall asleep in bed while the sun is still up!

11:00- Nurse. Burp. Diaper change.

1:00am- Nurse. Burp. Diaper change.

3:30- Baby peed in OUR bed. Diaper change. Change out sheets. Nurse.

5:30- Nurse.

7:30- Nurse.

Start over!

And how amazing is it that with THIS kind of schedule, being a mommy becomes your favorite job and the only thing you wanna do? Even on days where you wanna pull your hair out. It's not glamorous, but it's worth every single second!

C Section Must Have List

When I was preparing to go to the hospital, I looked on several different websites and read different books with suggestions on what to take to the hospital. If I had followed all those lists I would have only left our kitchen sink at the house. Honestly, taking DVDs and books to the hospital if you get bored? Let me tell you what you should do if you're that bored: SLEEP!

I couldn't find many lists on what to take if you were having a C section, so I decided to make my own list of must-haves. This way, I can look it up when I head for my next C section (please, God, a while down the road!).

1. Knit gauchos or skirts. These were my lifesavers (and still are) when it comes to avoiding incision pain. Old Navy sells the skirts and Target sells the gauchos. They're cheap, and worth every penny. Stacy and Clinton wouldn't agree that they're fashionable, but comfort prevails in this situation! It's not like you'll be walking the red carpet anyway! (Plus, you can wear them below the belly during pregnancy!)

2. House shoes and socks. Hospital floors are DIRTY no matter where you go. I wound up with one house shoe and no socks. Let's just say, I felt disgusting.

3. Soap & Shampoo. Hospital soap is terrible quality. I also forgot this item, so I truly know its importance. And the first time you get to get a shower and wash your hair--ah, heavenly!

4. Hair Dryer. Hospitals don't have these.

5. Your own pillows. Unless you enjoy sleeping on thin plastic stuffed with polyester. And do bring at least two for you. They're great for supporting your arms during breastfeeding. It's difficult to use the Boppy with your incision pain.

6. Chapstick.

7. Camera and camcorder.

8. Mesh underwear. This is the only thing the hospital will have that you'll love. You definitely won't want to hang on to them for a romantic evening later down the road, but you'll be so thankful you have them while your incision is healing. Ask for some to take home!

9. Pen & paper. Even if it's a napkin as paper! Nurses constantly come in wanting to know what time he fed, how long he fed, and when he peed and pooped. When you haven't slept in 2 days, those things are hard to remember!

10. Germ X Gel. Because I'm a freak about cleanliness in hospitals.

Drew's Birth Story

When the writing strike hits and the baby is sleeping, you take advantage of it! Drew is 4 weeks old today. I can't believe how fast it's already going by, and with the time goes my memory and intimate details of his birth day. Therefore, before I forget all the little things I want to remember, I'm going to go ahead and attempt to write them to put in his baby book one day down the road.

July 9, 2008, Wednesday

12:15- 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I had a doctor's appointment at 12:15, but was pretty bummed because I'd been checked at the hospital the night before and my cervix had miraculously gone from 2cm the week before to "barely 1cm." I knew nothing huge was going to happen at the office that day. I would be told to go home, wait another 5-6 nights to get my scheduled Csection when the hospital had room for me the next week. This may not sound like a long time, but I promise when you're nearly 39 weeks pregnant with 44 extra pounds on your back, it makes a huge difference. Like, several cryfests worth of difference. At least it did to me. After she checked me she said I was at about 3cm!! Hallelujah. That was C section worthy! She asked when I'd eaten last. I knew she was going to try to work me in then. I was definitely excited, but moreover, I was relieved. She told me not to eat another bite until she knew for sure. They called over to Baptist and worked me in at for a section at 2:30. I was elated! I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing this incredible physical journey was nearing its final hours!
They asked if I had my bags with me. Well, no. I knew I was going back home that day to await labor pains so I hadn't brought a thing. They said I could head straight to the hospital to get ready or run home and grab my bags. My first thought was, "Bags, nothing. I gotta shave my legs!" Is there a woman out there who doesn't want freshly shaven legs at delivery?

I immediately called Andrew before I got out of the office door. My words were, "Well, are you ready to be a daddy?" "Yeah," he said inquisitively. "Like today?" I prodded. The excitement in his voice was unmistakable. "Are you serious!?" he said. I told him to hurry home so we could get to the hospital. On the way back to the house I called Mom, Dad, Kacie, Deda, and I honestly can't remember who else. Kacie started crying because she was sick and didn't think she could make it. She was so upset she was going to miss the big event. Honestly, I was too! She's my best friend, and I can't say I didn't want her there. Thankfully, she arranged things and made it in the end! I left the office a few minutes after 1:00pm.

I got home, packed the bags, shaved my legs, put away the dishes, did a flight-of-the-bee clean up to the house, and waited on Andrew. Just as I was thinking I was going to have to leave without him, he ran into the house...and wanted to shave his face. Seriously? No one was going to be cutting on his face. Anyway, he hurriedly shaved, got dressed, and jumped in the truck. We were off!

2:00- We got to the hospital and did our admission paperwork. While we waited in the waiting room we took a final pregnancy picture and our "last picture as a family of 2." Yeah--that won't be a framer. It was more like our family of 5--Andrew, Audra, and her 3 chins. We don't broadcast that one with the pregnancy photos. Anyway...

They finally called us back to our L&D room. I got dressed, took off all my jewelry, and prayed they didn't ask if I wore contacts. Lord forbid if I would have had to have pictures made in the delivery room with my glasses on. I decided it was a don't ask, don't tell policy. I just made sure Andrew and my mom knew that if I coded on the table and went into a coma, it'd be nice if they took out my contacts and kept my toenails polished. ;)

If you know me, you know I'm scared of needles. Yes, I'm a nurse. I've always liked that saying, "Needles: tis better to give than receive." Needless to say, I was not looking forward to this IV deal. I knew it was going to be an 18 gauge in case I needed blood, so I decided not to look. I also didn't tell her I was a nurse. That may have made her nervous. I had a sweetheart of a nurse who let me help pick my IV site in my right forearm. Quick stick--ouch! I have a lot more sympathy for those hard-to-stick patients now. They drew blood and started my fluids. I was through a bag and a half of Lactated Ringers before I had to pee. Guess I wasn't drinking enough fluids! My mom showed up, and I was so glad to see her. Then came the worst part.

It's nice if you don't throw up on the table and aspirate. I understand that and was more than willing to accept the oral and IV medications they wanted to give me to prevent that from happening. First I had to basically drink a shot of something that tasted like a terrible, terrible sweet tart. It changes the acidity of your stomach to make you less prone to throw up. Then came the IV Reglan. She warned me that some people get "a little anxious" with that medication. I honestly didn't give that a second thought, and knew I wouldn't have any problems with it. WRONG. Just a minute or two after she gave it to me, I thought I was going to crawl up the wall. Everything going on in my room was suddenly driving me crazy: cell phones ringing, people talking, doors shutting, etc. I silently gripped the side of my bed. I felt like I would never get through this surgery. It also didn't help that I was SOOO hungry. During my panic attack, the anesthesiologist helper (I have no idea what his real title is) came in to ask me 5 million questions. Uh, not a good time, bub. He asks me if I've been informed of the risk of a spinal block. Quick mental thoughts: "What good will it do me to hear them? I'm not pushing out a breech baby, and you're not cutting on me without me being numb." Yes was my not-so-honest answer. He then went through a ton of questions, some of which I apparently answered wrong. Did I smoke? No. Did I drink? No. Did I have headaches? No. Had I experienced racing heartrates during pregnancy? No. At least that's what Mom and Andrew said I said. I guess I was too stressed to think about what he was saying. Anyway, I told him at the end of the questionnaire so all was well. More visitors started to arrive and my Reglan induced anxiety was finally calming somewhat. Then everything happened so quickly...

2:55-The nurse came in and said we were ready to head to surgery. The family went straight to the nursery waiting room and Andrew threw on his scrubs. We didn't even have time to take a picture together! She wheeled me out of the room into the hallway and pointed out Andrew's appointed seat while I got my spinal block.

3:00-That OR is really cold when you're in a gown with only one side! I scooted over from my stretcher to the OR table. That's when the nerves kinda started getting to me. That and the cold air. I was shivering/shaking. They had me sit on the side of the bed and lean against a sweet nurse's chest who held me tightly. Thank goodness. Because all I could see in my head was this guy going inside my spine with a needle and me shaking and making him miss his mark, paralyzing me forever! "Little Mississippi misquito bite," the anesthesiologist said. Quick stick. Quick burn. "More like a Mississippi bee sting!" I responded. But honestly, it wasn't bad at all! The IV was probably worse. Then they had me lie down on the stretcher. I felt my legs get warm and tingly. A minute or so later I saw her taking out a catheter. I was really hoping she'd extend the time so I'd be good and ready. The next thing I knew, I saw urine in a bag. I guess I really was numb! They poked around on me asking if I could feel anything. Thankfully, I was numb. I didn't wanna be one of those freak cases where they find out you're not numb--as they slice you open!

3:20- Andrew came in and sat next to my head. I was so glad they didn't strap my arms down! Dr. Harper came just seconds later. They did a lot of talking down there below that sheet. I started wondering if they had started. Then she said something about, "Whoops. Forgot to tell you I already started. Chart it." Wow. They were already cutting! Dr. Harper said to get the camera ready. Andrew was trying to take a picture of me on the stretcher. I was like, "Get down there quick and snap pictures!"

3:25- He jumped up and got great shots of Drew's grand entrance, spread wide eagle! I heard his cry. It was the most joyous sound to my ears. I started crying with him! They said his cord was wrapped over his shoulder and around his back speculated that may have been the cause he couldn't turn in utero. I automatically asked if the amniotic fluid was clear. They laughed; I guess they thought it was funny that I thought to ask. Yes, it was clear. Another relief! I honestly don't remember if they showed him to me and then took him to the warmer or if he went straight to the warmer. Either way, what seemed like seconds later, they put him in Andrew's arms, wrapped in his blanket with a hat on. He was beautiful, and those were the first words that came out of my mouth without thought: "Hey little man. You're beautiful!" I heard the nurse say both Apgars were 9's. A few minutes later Andrew left to wheel our newborn son out to see the family.

At this point, I have no idea how long it took them to stitch me up. I don't think it was long, but I suddenly became SO tired. I mean, like I couldn't hold my eyes open! They finally moved me to another stretcher to be wheeled back to a recovery room. I got nauseated. Great. Reglan for nothing, I thought! I told the sweetheart anesthetist, and he immediately gave me Zofran and put an alcohol wipe underneath my nose. That helped a ton!

I was in recovery, I'm guessing, an hour or so. The feeling slowly came back up my toes to my legs, knees, and finally upper legs. I got tons of vitals and she watched my urine output. It was finally time to go to the room! On the way there, my nurse wheeled me by the nursery window. You could see straight through the nursery to the waiting room. "There's my family," I told her. "Which ones?" she said. "All of them!" I said. The waiting room was full of nothing but our family! The sweet baby nurse held up my son for me to get a better look. He was so sweet and beautiful...and eating his hands! She told me of how they hardly ever have people there so excited about the birth of their baby. It made me feel sorry for those other sweet babies in the nursery who had no one to cheer on their arrival.

around 5:00- I was taken to my room, moved to a more comfortable bed, and brought a salad for dinner. I remembered how hungry (starving!) I was before surgery. Suddenly, I had no appetite, but not just from dinner being a salad (I hate green leafies). My mom came in to see me and tell me about our sweet son! More family trickled in and I anxiously awaited my little boy's arrival. About 25 minutes later, the baby nurse came in with Drew in the little bassinet. She stood next to my bed giving me all kinds of care instructions. I had no idea what she was saying. All I wanted was to hold my sweet boy! She left the room and Andrew asked if I wanted to hold him. A resounding YES! He picked him up and turned to...HIS BROTHER. I was like, uh, honey!! I carried him for 9 months! Give him to me! He claims he was just showing him to Austin, but I dunno. ;)

It was so surreal holding him in my arms! He was precious...and hungry! His hands were all in his mouth from the start. We passed him around to different family members so they could have their picture made. The room was packed! I don't remember exactly how long it was, but a nurse came in a few minutes later and said he wasn't given sugar water or anything in the nursery so he needed to breastfeed as soon as we were ready. We got started.

They encouraged me over the next 2 days to send my sweet boy to the nursery so I could get some quality sleep. I just couldn't give him up. I had waited all these months to hold him, and it felt so wrong to send him away to a cold nursery with fluorescent lighting with strange voices. Nope. He was staying with me, sleeping with me. The first night we got an hour and a half of sleep. The second night we got 3 hours total.

July 11, 9am- I had finally fallen asleep when a nurse came in the room. I slept through her walking in and talking to Andrew about paperwork. However, in my sleep I heard the words "We're gonna take him for his circumcision now." I was wide awake. The idea of cutting on my baby was horrifying. I had assumed the doctor performing the procedure would come in beforehand so I could ask about a numbing cream at least. Suddenly, I was second guessing my decision. Andrew reminded me this was something we'd decided we definitely wanted to do. I let her wheel him out as I bawled aloud. The next two and a half hours was agonizing. I sat and cried (and hyperventilated and gagged) most of the time. I sat wondering if my son was strapped to a table screaming, wondering why I had let him be tortured like this. I cried as I ate a few bites of breakfast and even as I showered. It was the longest 2 hours of my life. When they FINALLY brought him back to me, I was never happier. I cried again. If I had to do it over, it would be totally different. I would have it done outpatient where they at least use a cream to numb it up. I still can't sleep sometimes imagining his face in pain as they cut on him. It was one of my worst decisions in life. Seriously. I feel so much guilt for the pain I caused him. Never, ever again.

July 12, 2008, Saturday

I can't recall exact times, but Drew basically hadn't peed in 32 hours. We gave him formula, breastmilk, and did everything we could think of to get him to pee. I massaged his bladder, put his feet in warm water, blew cold air on his little wee wee trying to get him to urinate. Finally the nurse came in and said they needed to cath him. I knew this needed to be done, but it was so hard to hear. I knew the outcome would be IV fluids if we didn't cath him to get the urine. Dehydration is a slippery slope and I didn't wanna risk it. I was bawling. I was a complete mess. I was sleep deprived and hormonally crazy. I've never acted like that in my life! I cried and cried and cried when they took him. About 10 minutes later, the baby nurse, Kathy, came back into the room. She said just as she was about to put the betadine on him to clean him off, he peed straight across the room! She said she grabbed the cup and caught 1 oz. in mid air! Long story made short, the urine results were okay, we were released, and got home to a steak dinner with my parents. It never felt so great to be home as a family of three!

Colic Cure!

Does anyone out there still read this blog? Sorry for the lack of posting. It has been busy, to say the least! My sweet boy will be 4 weeks old tomorrow. I truly can't believe it's been a month since his birth, my surgery, etc. What a long way we've come already!

Let me just say: Save your money on the Colic Calm. It didn't work for us. We'll be returning it to get our money back with the satisfaction guarantee. However, Levsin is our new BFF. My mom talked to a doctor at her office who recommended this medication. His little girl had the same problem last year, they gave it to her, and it worked! As much as I have hated having to put medication down his throat, he's in SO much pain. He just pulls his legs up, stiffens his arms, pushes so hard his face turns almost purple and screams to the top of his lungs--all to let out one tiny poot. I agreed with my mom that if a medication would safely take him out of this pain, we should try it. The doctor gave us infant Levsin to give him every 8 to 12 hours. Wow. Today was the best day we've had since he was born, stomach wise. He didn't cry with his stomach ONCE. He slept longer & better and was happier and smiling while he was awake, as opposed to screaming & crying in pain. He can pass his gas without screaming. Hallelujah! His mother was about to go crazy.

Y'all, this mom this is HARD. Never did I expect it to be easy, but it's just challenging in ways I've never experienced. Not trying to scare new moms-to-be (Hilary!), but it's taken me to limits I had no idea I could reach! Sleep deprivation and hormones play a large role for sure! However, even in the hardest moments (crying WITH my son and husband at 1am) I wouldn't change a thing. I will say during a moment at home alone with my colicky son, I questioned my ability to be a mom. I had to put him down in the living room while he screamed and just walk to the other room and take a deep breath. But today as he smiled when I kissed his sweet cheeks, it melted my heart and made every second worth it!

I'm so thankful to have such an incredible family. Seriously, I don't know what I would have done without my mom. I have gained a totally new respect for her as a mother herself. The sacrifices she made for us as children and continue to make for us now in so many ways speaks volumes for her character. Thank you, Mom. I love you dearly and only pray I can be as great of a mom as you are and continue to be! You have made these past 4 weeks so much easier on me.

My sister is here this week to help us out. And what a help she is! I got to take a shower before noon today and actually brush my teeth! Thanks, Kacie!

Our other news is that we're going to attempt to go to church this Sunday. I've so missed fellowshipping with everyone and worshiping on Sunday mornings. The pediatrician we originally went to only recommended keeping him inside 1-2 weeks. However, I know better as a nurse! I'm still going to keep him out of Target and Wal-Mart for several more weeks, but I think church is safe. I'm thinking I'll pump a bottle that morning since it's safe outside of the refrigerator for 4 hours, breastfeed him right before we leave, and give him the bottle during church if he gets hungry. Any other suggestions?

Alrighty, I'm going to take the rest of my free time to catch up on some laundry and having conversation that doesn't pertain to pee and feedings with my hubby. ;) Have a blessed night!

--A very blessed Mom

Mommyhood equals

Sleeping in sheets soaked in liquid--pee or breastmilk? Doesn't matter. Sleep prevails.

Crying when your little one cries because his tummy hurts, and there's nothing you can do to help.

Waking up with your shirt covered in tee tee...and if you're Daddy, your favorite pillow, too.

Changing a poopy diaper, only to change another one in 5 minutes.

Feeding on demand...every 30 minutes sometimes.

Wondering when was the last time you brushed your teeth.

Anybody could do these things or encounter these events. The difference is a Mommy knows it's worth every second. When he smiles. Or coos in his sleep. Or makes his nursing mouth while he's dreaming. Or falls asleep in your arms.

It's worth every. single. second.

Ultrasound pictures...

The most adorable foot you've ever seen...that looks crooked.


His face...alienish!


Look at that adorable mouth & nose!


He's not shy!!

We had so much fun with the ultrasound today that it made us rethink having a 4D ultrasound in a few weeks. How fun would that be?!

P.S. This new mommy needs advice on little boys!!